When I moved into the house in March I was completely overcome by the finality and sadness of it all. I remember standing here, staring at the big empty living room and thinking, "I'm going to spend the next 40 years alone in this giant ass house." And then, as the tears were flowing (I think they were probably gushing like an overflowing creek at this point) my cell phone rang. A friend, who knew before I did how hard that day would be for me, called to remind me that I was never alone and that it was okay to move forward with my life and to be happy. And he was right of course (he often is, but please don't tell him that, I don't want his head to swell too much).
For months, before I made a decision about anything I would purposely stop and think about what Dan would want me to do. Then one day in April, I found myself standing atop a rocky hill in Scotland. As I stood there I realized that Dan would never want me to spend the rest of my life worrying about pleasing him, he would want me to be happy and live my life. Ultimately, he would want me to follow my heart, trust my instincts and believe in myself the way he always did. And as it turns out, he would approve of all of the decisions I've made since he's been gone anyway (go figure). And so without guilt and without regret, I have moved forward with my life. Some days I take two steps forward and five steps back. Some days I am completely overwhelmed with the responsibility of full time single parenting. On others I think my life will always be a goat rodeo. And sometimes I actually feel like I'm living one of those cheesy made for television movies (with better quality acting, of course). But every day I laugh, even if it's through tears and every day I am incredibly grateful to have the amazing circle of friends I have.
I know I've said this before, but I'm reasonably certain I have more friends than any one person should be allowed to have. And you know what? I'm okay with that. I don't plan on giving any of them up anytime soon. My friends disprove the adage "out of sight out of mind" (as if I'd ever let that happen anyway) and even when they are far away, they are always there for me. I have become quite greedy of my time with them. I am acutely aware that we may never get the chance to meet again and so I grab any chance I can to be with them. A hastily shared coffee in passing, an evening or a day, every moment together a gift that I will never take for granted. This year I was able to spend a lot of time with many of my closest friends, I even got to take some of them to Canning, how lucky were they. As another year comes to a close, I thank it for all it has taught me, the time it has given me with those I love and for all of the memories we have made together. When I look back on this year, I will remember both my saddest day and my happiest day with equal fondness because one would not have existed without the other.
Tomorrow we will welcome a new year, and all of the promise it brings. My New Year's wish for you dear friends is time well spent, that you don't get so busy that you forget to make time for those you love and for yourself, that you take time to just stop and be. Don't wait until tomorrow, tomorrow is never guaranteed. Time is a precious commodity you will never get back, please don't ever take it for granted. The year is yours my friends, I hope you use it well.
"Why do we treat the fleeting day with so much needless fear and sorrow. It's in it's nature not to stay: Today is always gone tomorrow."~ Wislawa Szymborska
